Monday, September 29, 2008

I discovered a few personality/character traits about myself today.

I do not like
- to be asked repeatedly the same question which i hv no answer of..
- being treated differently just coz i am weak in something. even if it's like discrimination of the 'good' kind? but nope still dun like it. kinda makes me feel that u r telling me i am inferior.
- getting my hopes up then feeling a lack of commitment from others.
- getting my internet suspended during my stressful school period.

*ps: will prolly add more as my frustration boils over during this crucial busy school period with the headaches, nightmares, stress and of coz the lack of enjoyment and slp..

Labels: feelings, melbourne, school, Stress

Blabbered bean @ 02:52 //

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Joe Kinnear says: "Snap out of it!"

yupz, i agree... in more ways than one..

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Newcastle, Stress

Blabbered bean @ 19:46 //

stupid bad dream. spoil the start of my day again. wake up feeling terrible and troubled. MUST be the STRESS....

dreamt abt hving an uber big argument with D in front of every relative. like abt to enter hotel of a relative wedding dinner type of occasion. embarrassment lead to ego, ego led to stubbornness, stubbornness lead to fire... BIG BIG FIRE..

ghost or monsters scare me not when i dream. but bad incidents affecting relationships affect me lots..

Labels: Dream, feelings, melbourne, Stress

Blabbered bean @ 12:36 //

Saturday, September 27, 2008

dreams reflect ones' state of mind.. i reckon it's true..

i got home from sch abt 7am, fed my hungry tummy and went to bed. one dream. one character in the dream. is all it took to give me a unwelcome depressing feel to my day ahead.

it's just surreal. pain, depressing and hurt floats and lingers around.. Time and stress are the only ones i should fight now. the rest have to wait. but my attention keeps getting shifted.

Labels: Dream, love, melbourne, Pain, Stress, whine

Blabbered bean @ 14:26 //

Monday, September 22, 2008

"It's been a couple of wks in the desert. will there be an oasis nearby? i dun foresee it anymore.. if someone would just tell me that there ain't any oasis in this desert, i might be able to give up struggling earlier and easier.. but no.. there is still that tiny chance of a 'miracle'. The mirages earlier just doubles my misery now.."

Meanwhile, doing homework these days seems to come with much reluctance... very similar to the days when i was a kid and finishing lunch was a chore. i would eat one mouth, run around play this n that etc.. eat another mouthful and then go toilet with my comic book stay in there for ages and sometimes... sometimes ah ma will say..

"See! Food cold alredi.."

and i get away with not finishing it.


aww.. i wish homework would just go away too... =(

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Pain, Stress, whine

Blabbered bean @ 02:16 //

Friday, September 19, 2008

i dreamt..

I was 'chased' in an office environment by unknown people. All i remember is being pursued and i kept running in the dream. dodging copy machines turning corners while trying not to knock over piles of paperwork. i mugged ard the office area for a while until i finally found this 'exit'.

When i stepped 'out', i realised that it look more like a backyard or storeroom kinda place. my first thought was there would be no door to exit this building since this is only a storage area. then i look around and saw some people thru the fence ahead. so i decided to find out.

As i ran to the fence, i saw a door/gate. As I opened it and attempted to rush out, I bummed into my classmate. We picked ourselves up and I asked for the reason of her rush. She pointed thru the fence at some fiercesome looking hounds. She then explained that she need to retrieve something work-related inside. Seeing as she was badly 'grrrr-ed' at whenever she approached the 'enclosure', I decided to help out by entering the fenced up enclosure full of 'wild-looking' dogs to find the stuff she wants. Everyone of the dogs look capable of pouncing on me n pinning me down and bite a chunk out of me.

I walk through the knee height grass cautiously and slowly until i nearly reached the end of the 'enclosure'. Then i look ahead and found that the end of this enclosure doesn't seem to have a 'door' or a cupboard of some sort to store the items. i also just realised that i hadnt ask my classmate what items did i need to retrieve...

i fumbled around my jeans pockets for my mobile phone frantically, heaved a sigh of relief when i did feel it. then.. my phone rang.. i thought it was my classmate calling me to give me directions.. then i woke up.. my phone is ringing.. i picked it up and this is what i heard... =_=

"Come to school and DO WORK. Everyone is alredy here.."

Labels: Dream

Blabbered bean @ 09:46 //

Monday, September 15, 2008

i have a knack for feeling bad things happening.


I'd often put two and two together. think the why, what, how, where, when.. come out with a hypothesis. which often turns out negatively for me.

i'd then feel like shit for many a night, neglecting or struggling to motivate myself to do school work then with the help of some super patient unsung heroes slowly coax and (try) convince myself with a hundred or so of other not-as-bad/coincidental possibilities.. just to gain that lil' bit of mood back.

BUT i am correct again.. but it's pain n not joy i get as prize for guessing right.



* thousand slashes into heart *


* again *

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Pain, whine

Blabbered bean @ 04:11 //

Sunday, September 14, 2008

FEELINGS

Once upon a time, A and B were friends who would go out in a group. A soon got attached and pretty much start missing out on group gatherings stating reasons/excuses such as not free etc.. One day B got to know that A hasn't been 'allowed' to go for gatherings coz A's partner felt insecurity over B hanging out with A.

How do you think B feels?


Long long ago, in the southern part of the South China Sea lived X and Y who were more than friends. X and Y got into some kinda problem between them. X wants to heal the 'wound' between and start afresh. Y is kinda clueless and simply afraid to. Y avoids X and keeps stuff from X which would normally be shared among common friends. X finds out.

How do you think X feel?

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Pain, whine

Blabbered bean @ 03:21 //

Friday, September 12, 2008

i dreamt of u again.. second time in two days.. and similar content. not anything bombastic. just me n you spending some quality time together peacefully, having a chat, having a luff.. i felt happy and contented in the dream.

i woke up with lingering feelings of contentment initially. but as i regain my consciousness and acknowledge it as a dream, the feeling slowly dissipate away..

i wished it was real.

"Life is like riding a bicycle, you keep moving to keep your balance."

Labels: Dream, feelings, love, melbourne

Blabbered bean @ 12:24 //

Monday, September 08, 2008

LIFE AND CHOICES

In life, we are required to make plenty of choices. Sometimes choosing Choice-A will mean not choosing Choice-B. In many cases, the best of both worlds is impossible. (ie. To hold on to tradition, often you have to sacrifice evolution.) So usually the character and personality comes into the equation when making a choice. To me, direction in life or rather what you hope to have happen to you determines for me which path to take.

The fact that I've been writing this 'public' blog for years is a choice. The fact that I've been trying my best to write in a way that's true to my thoughts without considering or fearing what others who read it will judge me to be is a choice. A choice I've chosen to ignore(with great price sometimes). Ideally, I would wish that this blog remains low-key and out of decision making involving relations with me. That is, I hope that this blog will not be used to judge my character. Hmmmm... Maybe it's impossible..

This blog was initially a kind of way to 'update' my closer friends on my recent happenings, possibly see some pictures of me and the place I'm residing and sharing my overseas experience but has since become my outlet to release stress (for the most part recently) as it does work for me that when I articulate my thoughts out. I feel like there is a listening ear that won't judge me.

Okay, back to the topic of choices. Sometimes you suffer, feel hurt and you ask "why is this happening to me?". But if you analyze the situation clearly, it's more often than not that you've 'chosen' for that to happen to you. Whether unknowingly or knowingly. For instance, if you choose to have a happy-go-lucky character and not be cautious and 'skeptical', you pay for the avoided 'stress of looking out earlier' when something bad crops up later.

Choices made in any relationship affects you directly in relation to how highly/lowly you regard that friend. Thus when you regard someone highly, it's natural to feel more easily let down and feeling any hurt more. Compare this to the guy you don't like, it just doesn't bug u that much.. Subconsciously, you'd have probably 'condemned' them to be the sort that lets you down often. Thus you're prepared for it, and you're better off when it actually happens.

Trying to conclude an ongoing notion within myself is difficult so I'll just briefly state how I feel. I feel that Life is yours. It's your choice. (*ps: I am not asking you to commit suicide ah..) Be brave and self-acknowledge your choices that you wanna hang on to. Brace yourself to face the challenges that you can foresee coming your way brought by your choices. Good luck.

"The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
- Winston Churchill

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Pain, Stress, whine

Blabbered bean @ 11:58 //

Sunday, September 07, 2008

What are friends for?

Labels: feelings, melbourne

Blabbered bean @ 15:19 //

when u keep hurting urself and deluding the truth, it's painful. i wish i noe. but i dun think i will get the opportunity. when u try so hard and in return all u get is something cold.. 很伤心.. 很痛..

my problem is drawing the line.. when does perseverance and determination become pestering and bothersome? when it becomes too one sided, i guess.. perhaps there is realli nothing there.. perhaps i should give it up? i'm so trapped.

in the desert, sometimes ppl think they see something, run towards it.. n then finds out that it's just a mirage. they get disappointed, let down and maybe upset. Life is an illusion. Dr. Albert Einstein once said. Can we as humans see thru the mirages in life n not keep hurting oneself in pursuit of another mirage?

i cant.

Labels: love, melbourne, Pain, Stress, whine

Blabbered bean @ 13:10 //

Saturday, September 06, 2008

i'm rocking between positivity and negativity.. one day i googled some moltivation, the next i think up a whole new negative possibility.

And suddenly today, i hv this tot that maybe all is alredi lost.. maybe while i was worrying abt finishing my final project and graduating, my dream is alredi gone.. i wish i know... but each day that i dunno, i feel my hope diminishing. sad.. =(

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Pain, Stress

Blabbered bean @ 19:39 //

Friday, September 05, 2008

In a bid of find some motivation and enlightenment, i googled. and found this interesting post.. I'll include a short excerpt which left an impression on me.

"Living conditionally is a tragedy and an unnecessary one. We know that if you ‘truly’ love someone, your love has nothing to do with whether they live with you or have a job or are perfect. You love someone regardless of the exigencies of their or your circumstances.

Your life is no different.

Don’t withhold loving your life until it is ‘perfect’. You could wait forever. And love has nothing to do with happiness. You can love someone and still be unhappy with their choices. You can love your life and be unhappy with where it is at, desire to do something better, and be more excellent than you were before.

Just don’t withhold yourself, your love, and your approval until the moment when everything is complete and whole and perfect. Could you imagine the way you would feel if your parents had withheld their love from you until you were ‘complete’ and perfect? Can you imagine the pain you would hold in your heart? Is that pain at all similar to the pain you feel regarding your life?

Growing Up

All of the time people trot out the line that ‘the journey is more important than the destination’. It’s truer than we can know.

What is the freaking destination? What is the point that your life is complete and perfect? What is it?? It is all points and no points.

Could you imagine looking at your child and thinking “You’re not done yet, I’ll love you later.” Of course not. You child is perfect…as is, at being a child, at being. Your child is not finished or done or complete and yet you love them still. You can look at your child and see all the potentials they have, all the things they can do, all the possibilities which exist. What a precious, precious time."

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne, Stress, whine

Blabbered bean @ 15:06 //

that was the loooooooooooooooongest wait ever.. though it was just a mere few days.. hving no right to feel the way i do,.. i guess it's self-inflicted.. =(

maybe i shouldnt hv such negative thoughts.. hmmmm....

i dont wanna be in this position..
i dont needa be in this position..

this pain..

but i chose this on myself..


helplessness of a fish outta water. silly fish.

Labels: love, melbourne, Pain, whine

Blabbered bean @ 00:19 //

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

happy birthday to you..i love you

Labels: feelings, love, melbourne

Blabbered bean @ 11:07 //