Thursday, September 21, 2006

hmmm... something i thought i'd like to get off my heart..

i left school with the samu and lainey oni at ard 2000h tonight.. we were busy trying to get some design work done..(individual work la..) richard(this rich fren of samu who's his own boss) joined us for dinner at rice bar.. samu kept asking me to go along with them for dinner.. but i've spent my last dollar in my wallet this afternoon during lunch.. haven got to any atm to withdraw yet.. so i kept trying to push the offer away..

when i finally caved in to his persuading,..(i more often than not will cave in.. upon repeated persuasion) i told him i need to go draw some money first.. coz i dun hv any cash on me.. but the nearest atm is kind far away from the place we're hving dinner.. so he said he'll pay for me.. left with not much choice, i agreed.

after dinner, richard paid for my meal.. i didn't noe abt it until much later.. when i've reached home n thanked samu for paying for me via sms.(i'll always not feel comfortable to accept favours nor show gratitude face to face..) then he replied me via sms that richard paid for my meal n is not expecting me to return him the money.

i'd like to say i dun like the idea.. i dunno whether this is being rigid or not.. but i dun realli like accepting favours from ppl.. esp. ppl i dun feel close enuff to.. i guess this was due to an incident some time ago in secondary school.. i was in sec 4.. one of the top 3 students in class.. somehow or rather i was seated next to the other 2 top students.

they were brothers.. taiwanese.. naturally better in chinese language.. well,.. chinese ain't realli my cuppa tea if u noe me well enuff.. there was this chinese exam or test when i was scratching my head trying my best to squeeze out answers. then one of them had alreadi finished the paper n saw that i was struggling to think up the answers to the blanks i skipped earlier.. he offered me the chance to copy the word from his paper. verbally n by actions(he slid his paper over..) i copied..

initially i was happy.. coz i had filled in the few gaps which has been boggling up my mind.. but it'll always remained in me the feeling i felt when we got back our papers.. i din score as high as the taiwanese bros for the chinese paper but i did get a pretty decent score.. shortlived was the joy..

if seeing urself score well was a high leap into the air,.. then the remarks they made soon later while comparing scores was like taking away the ground beneath me suddenly.. remarks like "wah.. this one, this one, this one and that one is i help u one.." pierced thru me like a knife.. deep down inside, i told myself i've left my conscience down.. and i never ever wanna receive help from ppl like these again.. i'd rather not get an A than to receive remarks like those again..

i'd gladly get a b3 via my own hard work/talent/intelligence than to get an a1 then have my sense of achievement taken away from me..

thus far my story explains my unwillingness to receive favours/treats/help from many many ppl.. like when i moved house, i din ask help from my frens in the city even though they did offer help when they noe i was moving out of my apartment.. i rather make several long trips back n forth alone than ask for help. coz i dun wanna feel indebt to them..

i hope my frens can understand my reasons for being stubborn/rigid or whatever u wanna call it.. i will/must return the money to samu no matter what.. i guess this is what u refer to as principles in life - learnt via the hard way..


*jack sparrow loves his black pearl, while bean sparrow loves his white pearl..
Blabbered bean @ 20:35 //