Saturday, June 03, 2006

How many times have u heard this story? A guy shatters his heart out every night thinking n thinking after his first crush on a girl ended with "it is impossible. i'm sorry to hv led you on. we're better off as just friends." they go about their lives for the next 5 years or so, then a magical day together have them believe in the impossible. stupid love story rite? impossible in real life? well... that's what i thought.

i remember it fondly in my heart as the days when pagers reign.. it was hip, fun and cool to hv a pager with a song as the greeting. i remember it well. as much as i often claim i hv a bad memory, somehow i could remember this as if it was ytd. the song playing on the greeting when i paged for the final time was Hua Ti(Conversation Topic) by Zhou Hui. The lyrics "Ai bu ai jie guo dou jiao ren shang xin, wo bu zhi dao gai zhen me zhuo jue ding..."[translated directly: to love or not to have the same consequences of being sad, i dunno how to make a decision] totally totally personified my feelings then.. to hear it on my winamp recently welled up my eyes again as memories flood into my brain..

After some time, i managed to put it behind me. everyone has sad first crush experiences i was told. i went thru 3 years of poly, 2 and a half years of army and a couple of relationships.. then i made up my mind that to go overseas to further my studies was a good idea. to put down everything i have in singapore, to forget every sad memory i own, experience the 4 seasons of nature as well as life as an international student, hv no one but urself to really count on and get a degree in the process.. moreover, i wasn't tied down by any heart strings..

ppl were talking abt getting an ang moh gf. but hell NO! i felt it was impossible and i didn't bear any thought of it. had i been attached, i wouldn't hv wanna come aussie to study. i made that mental note when i was in poly with my ex.

Then just when u let your guard down, doing your own thing. it happened. she came online. she initiated the msn chat.(i dun realli initiate much msn chats now.. coz they bug me abt life here.. which i dun wanna keep repeating myself) she told me she was coming to melbourne soon. her schedule roster just came out. asked me if i need anything. being the shy, dun-wanna-trouble-ppl-prefer-to-depend-on-ownself and dunno-how-to-hold-a-decent-conversation-with-girls me, i said no need lah.. i went abt my normal life again. forgetting abt the offer.. then a couple of weeks down the road, she asked me again.. i wanted an external hdd badly then coz my laptop is running outta space. decided to accept her generous offer. felt realli bad to trouble.

the night before she flew, i was seriously thinking of how useful that external hdd would be to me. to be able to bring huge files to n from school. then it hit me.. oh shit.. someone went out of her way to help me, how can i repay that? oh no.. i dunno much abt good food or anything liddat in melbourne wor.. i haven realli explored the restaurants and being a lazy eater, i wasn't fussy abt the quality of the food. just fussy abt the amt of effort i need to put in to hv a decent meal. thus i avoid shelly stuff as i think it is a waste of effort to harness that little substance out of the big shell.

i didn't plan anything at all.. just to insist on giving her a treat whichever restaurant we might be eating at. no feelings of anything at all. just nervous abt being a poor host to melbourne. i certainly didn't expect the kinda impact or feeling i got after i left her hotel that drizzling evening as i walked home. i had turned down the offer of staying over. perhaps it's not such a good idea. besides i hv assignments at home. i regretted it the moment i reached home.

i felt a void. and also a feeling i haven experience for quite some time. it must be coz i haven chatted with someone that carefreely and at ease for a long time i thought. i went on skype, gave jm a call.. i wanted to test it by chatting with someone whom i could let my hair down with and see whether it'll ease the void i felt. though we were chatting, the void ceased to elude me. i just had to sms her. a chain of sms carried on.. i was happy.. why? i dunno.. i dun think it was love yet. perhaps if love was a plant, what i felt was the abandoned lost seed. will it grow or not? it is a qn none can answer. we kinda just let nature take its place.

i went school after that wkend. kinda thought that feeling is over. but we did exchange a few text msgs. then after night lecture, i went home. she was online. and again she msged me.. we chatted on msn. after a couple of weeks msning and smsing, we came to the conclusion that both of us had similar feelings. chatting our hearts out the entire day, we felt realli at ease with each other. both of us were hesitant whether it was a consensual feeling and finally we got to the topic.

it was mutual. we felt comfortable at the other's care and concern yet are hesitant about a long distance relationship. in fact, if u asked either of us be4 this happened, we would probably laughed at that thought. no way.. we'll say.. but now.. fate has an ironic way of twisting our lives around..

i'm in love..
Blabbered bean @ 19:41 //