Sunday, May 11, 2003

   hi... so i was like sleeping an average of 3-4 hours a day for the whole of this exam week... is that stress or what? well,... actually i like a lifestyle like this... minus the studying n memorizing of text, text n more text that is... went to the ang mo kio library quite often this week.. it's freezing there... one two hours yes we can all take it... but once u're there from ten the morning till around 6pm in the evening minus a 30 min lunch break, u'll need to be thawed out... heh... exaggerating a lil' :P

   So some things i can reveal about me, from my past experience of this week, are that i am sensitive... at least that's what apple said about me today... maybe i do care too much about what other ppl feel.. maybe i do have the analytic skill to understand what ppl thinks.. maybe i hv the hesitation and inability to reject ppl even when i find their requests not to my liking at all...

   i'm told i do things the other way round... the opposite way ppl would approach my situation. i can reject my good buddies n loved ones easier than to reject someone who i dunno so well.. i dun hv the guts to reject unfamiliar ppl (esp. girls) of simple but rather troublesome chores/things becoz i hv this fear of offending them.. i hv this fear of having a bad impression left on them n thus losing the friendship? silly? yes i believe so.. there have been so many instances when i feel i am faced with qns where i do not hv any choices... for example, doing somebody's FYP Flash n oso allowing someone to stay overnight at my place though he nv did come in the end...

   On the other hand, i feel that ppl closer to me will understand that i am tired or juz too lazy to help out with those tasks... i will not be seen as someone who won't help for selfish sake... thus, my loved ones usually have to put up with some form of unfair treatment by me... well... i hv to admit this is something i had not forsaw... well... i will consider this point of view from now onwards n remember not to neglect my dear ones... sorry for earlier negligence...

   i've been trapped inside this mental block of not being able to reject ppl for quite some time... nobody understands me... some thinks that i hv put my friends on too high a level in my life... but it's not!! it's juz my inability to disappoint n reject ppl... coz i just noe they want it to be so... my loved ones might feel that i'm treating some not-so-close ppl on higher reaches than them but nope it's not... "You need to learn to reject ppl", says apple n jm... "i can't... i juz can't... how?", troubled bean replied... AT LEAST, some should understand me more now... at least someone who i cared to noe abt does... thanks for understanding... :)
Blabbered bean @ 01:50 //